When you’re a little girl you dream about falling in love and marrying the man of your dreams. As you get older, sex tends to cloud your mind and what you think might be love is just an over abundance of hormones and body functions. There's the inevitable dating scene and then you end up going through a string of men, discarding this one and that one for various reasons. This one is a great lover, but embarrasses you in public. That one is inept in bed but you are flattered to be seen with him. Trying to find the perfect mate is the most frustrating quest in the known world. You spend outrageous amounts of time and money in this quest and more times than not you end up wasting your time.

Then one day across a crowded room you catch a glimpse of a pair of blue eyes that send shivers down your spine. A delicious tingle that immediate draws your gaze back for a second look and you find yourself staring as if mesmerized. At least that is how she felt the first time she looked him in the eyes. Totally mesmerized. Like magnets drawn across the room, not sure if she moved or he moved but somehow they were standing a couple of feet from each other instead of across the room. He smiled and made polite introductions, she smile and could not even tell if she was babbling coherent answers. Her heart was beating so loudly against her breastbone, she was afraid the front of her dress was expanding.

It seemed a bit cliché, but he offered to buy her a drink and move to someplace more quite and private, so they moved to the bar and found a booth in a back corner. They sat there exchanging small talk, getting to know each other. Before she even realized it, a couple of hours had passed, seeming like only minutes. It was later than she thought and the evening had to come to an end even if she wanted it to go on for ever. Phone numbers were exchanged and email addresses. Then he escorted her out to her car, giving her a brief brush of the lips across her cheek which she found to be very respectful and flattering as he promised to talk to her again soon. She floated home and crawled into bed with a smile on her face, going to sleep to dream of intense blue eyes and his deep warm voice echoing through her head.

The next morning when she got to work she found the most charming email from him, thanking her for a lovely evening. She also found they used the same on line communication program at their jobs. She added him to her user list so they could exchange messages to each other through out the day. Both of them being career oriented people, there was an unspoken agreement that weekends were better for them than during the week. By Thursday he was already making arrangements for what they would do for the weekend. She was so pleased he showed the initiative to find out what activities she liked and planned accordingly.

Friday night he took her to a movie they both wanted to see and it turned out to be really enjoyable. Saturday night they went to a Artist premier at one of the local galleries that ended up being really atrocious, with both of them giggling like teenagers making fun of the artists juvenile attempts at dark art. When he took her home he kissed her for the first time, standing on her porch, a step below her putting them eye to eye level. She knew he was going to be a gentleman and give her a kiss goodnight and go home. As soon as his lips touched hers she knew that she did not want him to leave. Fire flows down her body as his kiss deepens to one of heated passion and tongues dueling with each other making the hunger mount higher and higher. She breaks the kiss off and gasps for air, taking him by the hand she leads him inside her house and into her bedroom.

He stands in front of her with her hands pressed to his broad shoulders and muscular chest. She follows the tapering lines of his body down to his belt where her eyes rest shyly, studying his buckle. Cautiously he cups her face with his hands and tilt her head back to face him; slowly he bend over and delicately kiss her lips. Pulling her gently to him, his kisses become deeper, his tongue tentatively probing inside her mouth. His hand caresses her cheek then slides down over her shoulder and encircles her waist, pulling her closer to him.

She can feel how much he wants her as their bodies mold together.

His kisses leave her mouth and mark a hot trail down as his fingers expertly undo the buttons of her blouse. Her head arches back exposing her neck as further down his kisses go.

Clothes are discarded as his hands find her breasts. Her berry-like nipples harden with delightful expectation and then suddenly his mouth latches on to them and an involuntary sigh escapes her mouth. Her hands clench his shoulders, her nails digging into his skin. Her body is afire with passion and her veins tingle with the hot liquid that is running through them. She hungers for the feel of him inside her but at the same time she hopes he make this torture last forever.

His body is no longer his own as he senses rather than feels his belt being undone, his trousers sliding to the floor and underwear submitting to her persuasive tugs. Her hands glide over his back and down over his buttocks as she inhale his aroma. Parting his legs her fingers tease him as they trace patterns on his inner thigh getting closer and closer until one brushes against him and he take a sharp intake of breath. Sensitively she starts to explore him and he has to lean back and close his eyes, both of them no longer sure of their steadiness.

Taking her by the hand he leads her into the most incredible journey of discovery in lovemaking. Its been years since any man had taken such control of her body and manipulates multiple orgasms from her. Their lovemaking combined with the emotional impact he had on her, there was no doubt in her mind when the evening was over with, that she was totally and irrevocably in love with him. She awoke with a smile on her face to see his head on the pillow next to hers and she felt like singing with the joy that filled her heart. A small part of her brain flickered in fear of the risk she was taking by loving this man.

There is no greater feeling for a woman than being in love and being able to make love to the man of your dreams. He was everything she could have ever hoped for. Intelligent, charming, flirtatious with a sense of humor so similar to hers, it was a joy to be around him. Their lovemaking could only get better because he was constantly learning what pleased her and always put the knowledge to good use, unlike most men who soon became repetitious and boring. There were nights he would leave her trembling in amazement of the new heights he could bring her too. Weeks turned into months and before she knew it a year had passed and still she felt the awesome feeling every time he took her in his arms and kissed her. The world is such a beautiful place when you are in love.

She loved her job and she had a man who made her heart and body sing! Life could not get any better than this. She never worried about commitment or marriage because it did not seem necessary. Her work kept her challenged and when her off time coincided with his, they would spend their days together. The thought of moving in together had flickered across her mind a time or two but there were times she enjoyed spending time home alone without the responsibilities of a significant other and she knew the current situation was comfortable for him too. Maybe they got along so well because they both had periods of moodiness that required isolation in their own comfort zone. She was in no rush and it seemed as if he was of the same mind since the subject never arose.

Things progress, life moves forward. Crisis happen in work and in life. There were days she is so buried under her work that she forgets to call him or he has a personal dilemma that keeps him away for a few days, yet when they do come together it is always magical which more than makes up for the time they spend apart. Till one day she catches a hint of something different. Who knows what, a tone, a scent or maybe even an instinctive feeling that can't be defined. Something that lets her know she doesn't quite have his full attention. She pushes it away, tries to ignore it. Then a month later in just casual conversation that feeling slips in again. Whats this? Did he mention that before? She couldn't remember hearing that before but something about it made her uncomfortable. Should she question it? No, better not. She might not like the answer.

They say ignorance is bliss but sometimes too much bliss is not good for you. You go through life with a smile on your face, everything is happy and perfect. She still enjoyed the wonderful lovemaking, except it was getting harder and harder to ignore him pulling farther away from her afterwards and the frequency of their times together was rapidly dwindling. No amount of smiling and saying the right words could alter the unspoken fact that something had changed. She wanted to lie to herself, pretend it would get better or just cling real tight and hope to hang on to what she currently had. It doesn't always work that way. She was too logical to live in that kind of fantasy world. She had to ask.

Her momma always told her never ask a question if you do not want to know the answer. She thought long and hard about this and knew she had to have the answer no matter what the outcome was. So she asked. She heard what she did not want to hear. Of course momma never mentioned that when you asked a man a straight question the chances of getting a straight answer are slim to none. He talked so many circles around her trying to spare her feelings, that she was ready to send him out the door just to save her sanity. Bottom line was he did not care for her in the same manner she cared for him. Oh that really makes sense doesn't it. The bottom line is really the fact that its over. End of the relationship. Final. Kaput.

So now what? He's gone. She's all alone. Pain. Intense overwhelming pain like she has never felt before. Millions of unanswered questions flow across her mind amidst the haze of agony. She sat on the sofa with the television going and cried. Cried so hard she started throwing up. Then she cried some more. Day turned to night and into day again and still she sat there. Thinking, crying, puking and crying some more. At some point she opened a bottle of tequila and drank till it was gone. She may have slept, not really sure. Vaguely she remembers watching some sappy love story that sent her off on a crying binge again, also going through an entire quart of chocolate ice cream which gave her more to throw up when the sobs became so hard they racked her body. Periodically the phone would ring and if it happened to register on the edge of her conscious, she ignored it anyway. Day turned into night again. Physical and emotional exhaustion made her heave herself up from the sofa and stagger into her bedroom, fall into bed and let the blackness close in on her, shutting herself off from the searing pain of rejection.

The sun in her face woke her up the next morning. Covering her face with a pillow, unable to open her eyes because the pain behind them throbbed like a hundred tiny hammers pounding away and her stomach roiled in protest of the prior days abuse. Slowly her brain and her eyes started to focus and the memories returned almost bring the tears flowing again. Logically she knew her life had not ended, no matter how much she would like to be able to at least put life on hold for a while, her job would not allow her the time needed to grieve properly. She fumbled for the phone beside the bed, called the office and made some lame excuse for being late and told them she'd be in in a couple of hours. It took about ten minutes more before she could talk her body into moving.

Few things cannot be improved by a strong cup of coffee and a hot shower. Her stomach was not quite up to food but her body felt immensely better after thirty minutes under a steaming shower. The coffee woke her up her brain now that she was physically able to move. Artfully applied makeup hid the shadows under her eyes and the swelling from her two day crying jag. Looking almost human she went into the office and let her work take her mind over.

The first couple of weeks were the hardest. She tried to let work consume her but there are only so many hours in a day they will let her stay at the office trying to work herself into a coma so she would not have to think about him. Force to go home in the evenings she would sit on the sofa watching useless nonsense on television. With little or no appetite for food, her main staple was coffee or cokes and cigarettes. Sleep was fitful at best but she found herself spending most her time in bed hoping sleep would let her escape into a more pleasant world. Days faded into weeks, pain faded into numbness and time seemed to blur for her. Friends checked on her regularly and slowly she started to emerge from the chasm of despair she had fallen into.

Months pass and though she was not quite ready for public appearances, she was able to carry on normal conversations with her friends and maybe have lunch with the girls a time or two. Normalcy always has a certain amount of comfort to it. Grocery shopping, running errands and the occasional stop at the salon for a bit of pampering brought her back to her humanity. Its never a sudden decision but a gradual choice to straighten her spine and face the world head on, not letting one rejection demolish her self esteem. She still thought about him. It seemed as if not a moment passed that he would not pop up inside her thoughts, but each appearance hurt less and less giving her a certain bit of acceptance of her emotional control. She resorted to daily conversations with her self to boost her esteem. Telling herself that one day her prince would come and carry her off to wonderland and they would live happily ever after. She was strong, she was confident and she was worthy of love.

Single life was not so bad. She had an excellent job, a home she was proud to invite her friends in to visit. She was blessed with an abundance of good friends who were always in and out to keep her company and share in her good fortune. A trusted few she could share her grief with. If success can be measured in contentment, then she could be counted a successful woman. The bills were paid, there were groceries in the cupboard and friendly faces about her. She knew she was better off than most and thanked the powers that be, she was healthy and if she was not what you could call happy at least she was content with her life.

Never much for the club scene, she still managed a reasonable social life with local functions and friendly get together's, each trip out in public making it easier for her to enjoy the socializing. Then one day across a crowded room she catches a glimpse of a pair of green eyes that send shivers down her spine.

Well, here we go again......

06/2003
BBB